For those of you who have lost your father
How do you cope on Father's day?
I don't usually get so worked up, but it's hitting me hard this year. Lost both male figures in my life about 8 years ago (my dad and his dad both went very close to each other.) Both way before their time (46 & 72.) Grandpa was fit and would easily still be alive but got diagnosed with end stage cancer since he never got checked for prostate all those years. Wouldn't have known it to look at him.
My dad designed and built robotics, spent most of his career contributing to technology to making a robotic human heart possible. Pap worked at Westinghouse as a foreman building nuclear submarines. I think I'm upset this year because the older I get the less I feel like I fill the shoes they left behind.
So if you've lost a father or grandfather and want to post about it here... Maybe it'll make things a little bit easier today.
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I'm really sorry to hear about you loosing both your grandfather and father. I lost my grandfather 4 years ago and it hit me real hard as he was like a father to me when my father wasn't around (he worked overseas) when I was younger. I remember him fondly, he was an amazing man and when he passed it really took it's toll. I'm going to cheers you with my coffee (too early for a brewski)... To your grandpop and pop, to me it looks like they raised and awesome person!
I'm on coffee as well. Just turned noon here. I feel the same way about my grandfather being like a second father to me for similar reasons. My grandparents only lived 2 blocks away so I was there every weeknight till I became a teenager. My dad wasn't overseas but did work crazy hours.
Thanks for sharing. I will toast to your grandfather as well. Cheers.
Stay strong /u/gtwy. It's a difficult time. Do them the honour of remembering all the good things and appreciate the fact that at one point in the history of things you had a chance to create wonderful memories with them. To fathers and grandfathers everywhere!
My father died eight years ago after a long fight with cancer. I was ultimately the one who had to decide what to do as my mother couldn't make the decision. I decided to let him go and end his suffering. He'd lost the ability to speak and couldn't control his body functions. I played his favorite music for him and held his hand as he died.
We didn't agree on a lot of things after I grew up. He was disappointed I didn't become an engineer as he felt I could have, and he didn't like that I'd become a liberal in social and political matters. But we respected and loved each other to the end. I have many fond memories of him that I can pass on to my children. It's the best way I have to honor his memory.
That really hurts. I can't imagine having to make that call. What song was it if you don't mind me asking?
It was the most horrible decision I've ever had to make, but it was curiously the easiest. He was living in pain and humiliation and the only humane thing to do was let him go no matter how much we didn't want to do it.
It wasn't a single song but a genre. He taught me to appreciate classical music, so I ran through my playlist of Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, etc.
I put on a nice playlist of Bach this evening. Actually took the time to sit and listen to it and it was very calming. Thanks again for sharing.
I lost my father in 2010. Brain tumor, lung cancer and other problems. I'm mentally ill and on disability to make matters worse. I cried at his funeral when they were ready to bury him, I knew I'd never see him again.
I try to remember the good times we had together. He worked for AT&T until they broke it up and forced him on early retirement. I helped him learn Excel so he did the Bingo accounting for his Knights of Columbus branch. When his Windows XP machine had problems, I gave him a Linux boot CD and he liked it because it used Unix commands like he used at AT&T before he lost his job.
Sounds like you are already filling those shoes! :)
I don't think so. House and car are falling apart and I don't have it in me (nether financially or skill wise) to deal with these things. Whole world on my shoulders. By now I would have thought I'd have it somewhere figured out but I don't. They were rocks. They would come to the rescue of anyone in the family that needed help. Whatever the project, whatever the life event, they had a solution. I don't have any solutions and I lost them just as I was transitioning from college age to adult. I lost the play book for life, they aren't here to learn from and I'm failing hard at figuring it out on my own. Sorry to vent, just don't think I'm filling any shoes
It takes a brave man to forge a new path in the shoes of those whose path has ended.
I and many others have went through times like those. Things falling apart are not a sign you are not filling shoes,getting through low times are. Your grandfather and father I am sure knew this!
My dad died 15 years ago, so it is easier now to ignore Father's day. At first I was very bitter and jealous when I would hear my friends talk about the event and what they would be doing, they sensed it and tended to not talk about it too much if I was here. Now I have a more positive outlook for this event, and encourage friends to do something with their dad.
I do the same with my boyfriend, reminding him that he should get a card, or ring his dad more often. I'm very conscious of the fact that he will become my father in law, and very happy about this, so I try to get involved as much as I can.
I'll always miss my dad, he was a great father. Like you he died too soon, at 46. It is very uncanny, as I Iost both my father and grandfather like yourself. It was a very tragic moment for me, life defining really. My grandfather (my mom's dad) died from cancer on the Sunday evening, and my father died of a stroke the following morning. It took many years to be able to deal with it.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. Sorry to hear that you had to go through this as well.
Thank you. I know that it is hard to deal with life when such strong paternal figures are missing. You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself for not being as competent as they were, but maybe on the inside they also thought they were struggling but did not want to tell people. You've also had to start becoming an adult without their support and advice. I'm sure with time you will get to understand that what you do is just as important, and that maybe it will become easier and you will be even better. I don't think your father would look down on you for you not being able to "follow in his footsteps", he would be proud of what you've become and would want you to be happy.
This will be the first Father's Day I've been without my Poppa. He died almost a month ago. He was 67. it's still a day-by-day case. Some days are pretty hard. Some days are OK. Today was a little rough as my girlfriend and I went out to brunch. I didn't even know what day it was until I realized people were being greeted at the pub with "Happy Father's Day!" It hit me a little hard, then kind of lulled into a dense, muffled noise in the background. Sort of like a ticker-tape running in the back of my mind "Your father is gone. Try not to think about it. This is a day where he would expect a call from you. Try not to think about it. Just eat your eggs and drink your Bloody Mary. Try not to think about it."
Apparently my girlfriend didn't know what day it was either. "A little zen are we, today?" she asked. "Do you know what day it is?" I replied. Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry. I'm the worst girlfriend ever! I didn't mean to take you out to brunch on this day!" I wasn't upset at her. I wasn't upset for most of the day. I think, so far, the only time I was upset was when I was going to post something on Facebook about him but it felt really cheap. Kind of like "Hey everyone. I guess this is what people do now. My father is dead and you're all here having a good time. Gee, sure feels pretty 'self-pandering' in here. I'll just see myself out"
I don't want to bum anyone out. If anything I wanted to grab everyone I know and tell them to cherish every fucking moment they can. I wasn't so lucky and lost my father quite quickly once he went to the hospital. We had just started building a healthy and close relationship after a very long time of only talking maybe a few times a year to perhaps talking over 30 times a year. I live across the country and see him maybe twice a year, so talking to him a lot had given me a lot to look forward to.
I guess I feel pretty selfish right now in the grand scheme of things. Ultimately none of my emotions has any impact...
... Read FullYou can't worry about filling someone else's shoes. I know how cliche that sounds, but it sounds like you're not living in the moment. You should plan an activity on days you feel this way. Do something that makes you proud of yourself. I made every stop on the bourbon trail in Kentucky this weekend. It was beautiful country, and I got to see some of my favorite bourbons being made. The experience was incredible. You need some time to focus on yourself. Sometimes I go fishing. Being outdoors really helps me.