How hard is it for you NOT to judge someone?
I have been trying to be a more decent human being and stop judging people, stop participating in gossip which I hardly do. But sometimes it feels like I am someones judge, based on one mistake or lack of feature.
The thing is, our world is really based on judging and my career focus on what I do is judging character, writing, and just general appearance. I have taken on this mantra that I don't publicly judge anyone, which in America that's a given, speaking your judgement out loud now a days will get you hated quicker than supporting Ellen Pao and Donald Trump (just examples).
But goal in mind for me would to stop judging period. I do not want to set anyone up for with unrealistic expectations. In all reality it could be that I myself am scared of being judged so I judge other people as well.
Us humans....
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I feel like it's natural to be somewhat judgmental; being able to not judge is learned by gaining perspective and understanding. Meaning, I think you have to be aware of the potential situations a person might be in that explain the behavior or the appearance of the person that is making you judge them. To an extent, even being aware of potential disadvantages people may have might not be enough.. it has to be followed by a level of compassion. Compassion is more difficult to learn.
I think I used to be much more judgmental in my teens, but throughout my late teens to now I started learning more about other people and other walks of life and just overall tried to be more understanding. Sometimes my innate feeling about certain things is still a negative one, but I try to step back and think rationally for a second in order to be less judgmental.
Edit: This conversation has reminded me of a scene from Pocahontas: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8f7hp0c3G1qi5jk5o1_500.gif
I do this too. I deliberately practice being non-judgemental and compassionate. I used to get angry or upset at the smallest things, like people cutting me off when driving. I started to stop my trail of thought when I realized I was yelling obscenities at the other drivers, and instead tried to think of the reasons why they might have had to cut me off. So instead of thinking that everybody else is a dick and does stuff just to spite me, I've learned to be compassionate.
But I have to admit that I do judge people based on their looks. It's really awful, because it has a negative effect on how I interact with some people. I never give myself a chance to like some people, just because they look certain way. I automatically assume it affects their character and think negatively of them. Then if I for some reason have to interact with them, for example working with them, I usually learn that they are nothing like I thought. I hope to some day learn to stop thinking like this.
I think the answer to this, along with a lot of answers to human social interaction, is to experience and see more people. I have traveled and lived abroad for the last 10 years, meeting so many different people from different cultures.
I began to see a pattern after meeting enough people, where I would meet someone knew, and my first thought where that they where half my friend from college, and the other half my crazy French friend.
I started becoming non-judgmental after I had meet many, many people, becoming secure enough with myself that I do not feel threatened by a new person judging me, and I think that my degree in psychology helped grease the process.
The biggest quote from one of my professors to help both with judging and dealing with others good/bad/indifferent/angry attitudes of the day
"Whenever you think someone doesn't like you, is judging you, or is even outright belittling you, the thing that you always need to be cognizant of is that they will the majority of the time be projecting their internal state. If they are telling you that they think you suck, most likely they in fact think deep down inside that they suck."
Humans are inherently self centered. We default to thinking we cause all the emotional reactions from people. If you can let go of this innate tendency, and assume that all interactions are a result of their internal state, you will find that you are in a world of people dealing with internal chaos, and that you free yourself from it.
Judging people, I think, is assigning a label to them, when in reality we are all a mix of reasons and causations. That being said, I do have a hard time with some things:
being a bad parent, not taking care of yourself, and always complaining about how hard life is.'
Did you figure out a reason for why did everyone remind you of those two people? That sounds very peculiar. Was there something particularly special about them?
This is very much true. Often the things I judge people for are the things I judge in myself.
Something other that I've realized is that rather than giving people the benefit of doubt, I assume they are just being a dick because I'm afraid of being wrong and embrrasing myself for thinking that they might have been a nice person. I think this is very, very weird way to think. Again it all boils down to being comfortable with yourself, as you said. Being comfortable with being judged.
What I meant is that you start to see patterns of personalities. Like each new person could be categorized as similar to someone that you had met before.
The fact that you make a conscious effort to be less judgmental and more understanding is a big one. Doing this took me awhile too and I'm still working on it.
I try not to judge people on superficial things that they can't change- Looks, names, upbringing, etc. My biggest problem is that I stereotype pretty heavily based on how a person acts. After hearing or seeing them for a few minutes, I'll mentally categorize a person. So basically I judge people pretty easily based on how they act, though I usually won't show it. I don't really think it's a bad thing. I can't be happy with every single person in the world.
I think everyone does it. But it's not an "I judge people by nature so now I'll have no judgement filter" excuse - rather an opportunity to look into yourself and ask why you're judging that person.
I personally try not to judge people but I still do, but it's how I choose to ACT on that initial judgement that can make all the difference.
I choose not to beat myself up for it. I am reminded of this quote by Rust Cohle:
I openly accept that I will judge and be judged. It's just what happens. However, I do not let those thoughts hinder me from actually giving the person an opportunity to prove me wrong. (if we were to converse). In fact, I welcome it. It's one of the scenarios where I like being wrong.
I'm pretty sure this is one of a human being mental survival techniques and plays a large role on determining worthiness of trust and compatibility as far as cooperation with any particular person. I believe we use the same logic in different ways to determine who would be a good mate. People can't help but judge. We judge how far that green light is as it's turning red, we judge if we have enough time to finish our work before the day is out, we judge if a wild animal is a threat, and we judge people to see if they'd be a good fit in our lives or what the likelihood of an interaction going bad is based on peoples appearances, behavior, body language, choice of words, etc... That said I do my best to remind myself that like everything else there are times it's appropriate and times it doesn't make sense and I'm being a bad person.
I'm not religious, but I'm very much drawn to the idea of practicing compassion as described by Buddhism. I work hard to be non-judgmental and open-minded with everyone.
I say I work hard because it is hard work, though. The act of judging someone is like a snap reflex. For instance, even though I've lived abroad and have friends from all over the globe, my dad growing up would make casual racist remarks/jokes, and these are still in me. It pains me when my brain goes straight to these false, easy judgments.
But then I think of it like this: what happens in the confines of my own mind do not matter. What matters is how I react, then act, on them. And I can choose to act in a way that is non-judgmental and accepting.
And the truth is, acting a certain way ends up affecting your innermost thoughts. If you practice non-judgment and compassion, eventually your mind will follow suit when it tires of screaming silly judgments into the emptiness where you grant it an existence.
Awesome goal, my friend! I think it is wonderful for you to see your own judgement and want to change it- it is inspiring :)
My take on judgement is that we will probably always judge to some degree, however, this is not an excuse to give up on trying to be non-judgmental. The first step is to stop voicing judgement. Voicing judgement is a choice, it is an action, not a thought. You can stop doing anything even if you can't stop thinking it. Focus first on controlling judgmental behavior/speech.
Another thing to try out is to identify places in your life where you see judgement and seek out opinions that could counter your judgement. Example: Lets say you have noticed that you judge religious people fairly harshly. Why not head over to /t/Christianity and have a civil conversation with a few people over there, they might change your mind.
To me, the key is to start with action and soon you'll take away the habit and all that is left is working on the point of view which is solved by learning where people are coming from. A good saying that I have kept over the years is "It is impossible to hate someone when you know their story."
I make an instant judgement on someone the moment I see them and hear them speak. Does it matter? No, because I don't let it influence how I treat them. Being able to put that separator in place is very important.
It certainly helps to have gone through a stage of heavy depression where you hated yourself and as a result everyone was better by default :P Although I'm pretty much recovered since then, I do think the memory of that view of the world plays a part in my lack of judgment. I mean I had some fairly fucked up thoughts in the worst of it, and if I could be in that place then how much better could I be than jthe person I'm supposedly about to judge.
I have also found that the reason I very rarely judge others is because my first reaction (concious or subconscious I don't know) seems to be to ask myself If I could build a logical path of scenarios (doesn't have to be the other person's experiences) that could/would lead me to being in their place as in doing the thing I disagree with. By accepting the path I have formed as plausible, I am essentially accepting that I too could have been brought to do whatever they did to cause this thought pattern. This then makes it very difficult for me to feel like I am better than them.
I have been told though that I have a high sense of empathy so I dont know if thats what is at play. I have definitely become pretty good at constructing those paths of scenarios and as a result I sometimes come across as "weak" because I don't get irritated, angery or the like when I am wronged. It certainly got me in trouble with my exSO because I never got angry hahaha She said she needed a man who would call her out on her shit. :P
Edit: Essentially I think my point boils down to, the more sense of I am "Me" and you are "Other" you have with the person involved then the more likely you are to judge them. The more you start to see likeness in them to you and start equating them to yourself, the less chance you are to judge them.
I don't think you can really stop to judge people. But you can be open minded and be ready to erase the board at each new information you get. This way you don't lock yourself in a judgement that doesn't fit reality.