8 years ago
9
An interesting article, focusing mostly on women, on why more are choosing not to have children. What are your thoughts? Interested in either side.
Even though it seems that this article focused specifically on why women of our generation don't want kids. A lot of these reasons resonate with my own. If you don't feel your tribe is where this belongs, I apologise, I wasn't sure where to post it.
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I think the last one is the only one that ever needs to be mentioned: "Ultimately, a reason shouldn't even be necessary." Women aren't simply baby-makers. Their lives should be limited neither as sperm receptacles nor incubators. They should have just as much choice on whether or not they become parents as men do -- I would argue that it's even more critical since they don't have the option to "fire and forget" as men can. Whether or not getting pregnant and having children fits into their life plans should be entirely up to them and no one else. They should not be pressured into it or raised with the assumption that this should be their primary purpose in life.
It carries consequences, of course. Nations with negative population like Japan are struggling with an aging population with too few children to take their place. But such consequences do not negate the importance of choice and autonomy. Either women are people with equal rights and privileges as men or they aren't, and if not then we need to own up to our misogyny rather than make excuses for it.
I completely agree with this, I sometimes feel people live with the view of "it's your life to live but...."
(Obviously there are 'buts' that go against the law, but I'm refering to situations that don't harm anyone.)
"It's your life to live, but how can you be fulfilled if you've never X?" There are so many things we could put in there. How can I be fulfilled as a man if I've never butchered a steer or built a cabin with my own two hands? These are experiences that I have neither the aptitude nor interest in partaking in. Can I really call myself a man if I've never gone to war and killed my enemy for my country? Yes, yes I can.
As a father of two I can't speak directly to the experience of pregnancy, but my ex-wife suffered a great deal with our two children to the degree that she had trouble keeping water down. I know of other women who suffered less, some who suffered far more (one friend of mine never fully recovered and is today partially disabled from the effects on her body) and a few for whom pregnancy is physical bliss. It's not a one-size-fits-all circumstance, it's a choice each woman needs to make for herself. The crime is that not every woman is given that choice, and sometimes not even allowed to know that it is a choice she can make.
It's so true that it applies to a lot of a aspects of life. It's something that was really getting under my skin at one point. I posted this in that asksnapzu thread about stereotypes but I think it's applicable here too. I wrote a song about his very thing called "shades of normal". Unfortunately I don't have a recording to share but the lyrics for the chorus and bridge go...
****
Isn't it great how we're all different
how boring if we were the same
as long as you do all the same things we do
stick to the rules of the game.
Because different is fine if you fit in the norm,
If you don't want to be the same
don't pick a different colour
Just pick a different shade.
Well put spaceghoti. I do enjoy your approach to life.
(Full disclosure, I'm male) - I'm in a long term relationship (5 years). Neither my partner nor I are interested in having children. A couple of reasons are on the list, but I would add that I don't think #2 is broad enough. It's not just the child's mental health I'd be worried about. Both of my parents have (thankfully) survived bouts with cancer. Heart disease runs rampant in both our families. My grandfather died of COPD. Her mother survived it. We both have bad teeth, bad eyes, and bad backs.
The financial worries are there as well. We both have student loans to pay off, but luckily we both have good jobs.
I could name you a laundry list of reasons, many of which are included on the list you've linked but the number 1 reason for both of us is very simple:
Neither of us wants a kid. Lots of our friends seem to misunderstand this, somehow. I'm not against kids, and I love my friends' kids, but that doesn't mean I want one. The lifestyle of 'parent' just isn't one that appeals to either of us.
That's really well put. Also with regards to the worry of passed on medical conditions, comes the amplifier of the fear of financial difficulties.
Like you I also don't hate kids and can enjoy the odd time spent with a family members kid. I just really don't want one myself. The saddest thing I find is that when my family find out I don't want kids they often resort to a bazaar scare tactic of "Your wife will want one." Which comes with a strong implication of you will never find a woman who won't want one so you'll have to choose kids or singleness. Even if that premise were true, why on earth wpuld they try scare someone who doesn't want to be, into parenthood. It can only result in bad parenting.
Speaking from experience, I can tell you that there are women out there who don't think child-bearing is the penultimate purpose of their life! I find it kind of demeaning to assume that all women want to be relegated to baby-rearing, to be honest. Not to speak ill of your family, I'm sure it doesn't come from a place of malice!
I think it's important to be upfront with anyone you're in a serious relationship with about your opinions on this issue (or any issue, really). The secret to any relationship is communication, and as long as you agree on the basics, pretty much anything else can be talked out!
Oh ya, I call them out on it. I know they are coming from a place of worrying about me so I try now give them too hard a time about it.
I also completely agree about the communications part and I know I'll find my SO someday :) plus I would never want someone who really wants a child to give that up because of me so I would hope my partner to feel the same about pressuring me into having one. It's just one of those things that can unfortunately indicate a relationship that needs to go seperate ways.
Edit: I just thought I must point out my amusement I'm feeling at the moment as I have to constantly click Parent to see my own comment which yours is responding to. :D