This will be the first Father's Day I've been without my Poppa. He died almost a month ago. He was 67. it's still a day-by-day case. Some days are pretty hard. Some days are OK. Today was a little rough as my girlfriend and I went out to brunch. I didn't even know what day it was until I realized people were being greeted at the pub with "Happy Father's Day!" It hit me a little hard, then kind of lulled into a dense, muffled noise in the background. Sort of like a ticker-tape running in the back of my mind "Your father is gone. Try not to think about it. This is a day where he would expect a call from you. Try not to think about it. Just eat your eggs and drink your Bloody Mary. Try not to think about it."

Apparently my girlfriend didn't know what day it was either. "A little zen are we, today?" she asked. "Do you know what day it is?" I replied. Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry. I'm the worst girlfriend ever! I didn't mean to take you out to brunch on this day!" I wasn't upset at her. I wasn't upset for most of the day. I think, so far, the only time I was upset was when I was going to post something on Facebook about him but it felt really cheap. Kind of like "Hey everyone. I guess this is what people do now. My father is dead and you're all here having a good time. Gee, sure feels pretty 'self-pandering' in here. I'll just see myself out"

I don't want to bum anyone out. If anything I wanted to grab everyone I know and tell them to cherish every fucking moment they can. I wasn't so lucky and lost my father quite quickly once he went to the hospital. We had just started building a healthy and close relationship after a very long time of only talking maybe a few times a year to perhaps talking over 30 times a year. I live across the country and see him maybe twice a year, so talking to him a lot had given me a lot to look forward to.

I guess I feel pretty selfish right now in the grand scheme of things. Ultimately none of my emotions has any impact...