Ethel was traveling alone and she was a bit lonely in the hotel all on her own. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sex and have some fun.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”

After a short ring, there was a response, “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!!! Now how does that sound?”

The male voice responded, “That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”