I am still finding my way around this mythical world but then I have only been here thirteen minutes. But I have come this far and being the good bloke I am it's only right that I carry out the orders in the email that greeted me.

So the email told me to say hello; Hello!

Right that is that over with, time to explore this wonderful place, oh hold on. The email says introduce your cave-dwelling, club-swinging self.

I can assure you that I do not dwell in a cave. I reside in a place called Lowestoft in England. It's the most easterly point of the country and closer to Amsterdam than London. Anyone from the UK might argue that living in Lowestoft isn’t that different from cave-dwelling but the fact is we have electricity, and some of the locals walk upright. Some even almost speak English, unaided, or at least manage two sentences. So as you can tell I do not dwell in a cave.

As for the club-swinging that is behind me and I said sorry to all involved. I prefer not to go into details but the aardvark in question was unharmed and the judge saw the funny side once I paid him and offered to perform a sexual act on him and his venus fly trap called Percy. As this was a singular incident I don’t think I can be called a club-swinger either. So sorry to disappoint.

No doubt I have got something wrong here and not followed the rules correctly, but I do hate these introductory posts, profiles, and bio you have to write with each website you join. I also hate the idiots that feel the need to make up such nonsense in order to appear more exciting and even sexy. That little moan aside I shall once again say hello and I hope to see you around this new home, and grace you with my stupidity.