How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse or Repel an Irate Library Patron - by humorist Joey Green
Joey Green, author of The Mad Scientist Handbook will now instruct us on:
### How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse or Repel an Irate Library Patron
By clicking on the link below, you will learn vital survivalist skills and secret knowledge such as:
Vinegar neutralizes the effects of tear gas and pepper spray. Water doesn't need to be boiled to be safe to drink. Heating it to 150 degrees F for 20 minutes sufficiently pasteurizes it. Pampers can absorb 300 times their weight in water. If you're unable to wash a minor wound, lick it. Scientists have found that histatin, a small protein in saliva known to kill bacteria, greatly speeds the healing of wounds. (Which explains why animals lick their wounds.) A helmet made from a plastic bucket does not meet the standards of the Consumer Product Safety Commission. In 1985, Space Shuttle astronaut Jeffery Hoffman became the first person to play with a Slinky in zero-gravity. A stack of quarters weighs an ounce. In 2010 Dr. Elena Bodnar created a bra that can be turned into a face mask which protects the wearer from lethal chemical attack. Humans can safely drink water that contains less than 0.5 percent salt. (Seawater contains 3.5 percent salt.) Mosquitoes hate the smell of Vicks Vaporub.(Don't we all?) Outdoor Fresh Bounce Fabric Softener repels mosquitoes. (And rodents!) [Not recommended for shark attacks however] But if you do get bitten? Applying Listerine to mosquito bites will stop the itching. Tabasco Sauce will neutralize the pain of an excruciating toothache. When a 22-year-old gunman shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and 18 others outside a Safeway in Tucson, unarmed shoppers took down the gunman with a lawn chair and ballpoint pens when he stopped to reload. You can get rid of skunk odor with Massengill Disposable Douche.