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Published 5 years ago with 8 Comments

July 2013 jokes snap (social list)

Submit all your best jokes that you've heard in the last little while. Do not submit old jokes that you heard years ago, etc. I'm going to try this out, and if it becomes a hit with the community, I'll make this a monthly thing :)

  • Please keep it clean and friendly. NSFW jokes allowed as it's just text, but please label it in the title. Please follow the same structure as the rest of them, and don't worry if it's not your original joke, post it anyways. Up vote jokes that make you laugh or smile, but don't down vote jokes that don't as you can lower someone's reputation because of it. Have a good time, enjoy yourselves and let's make this an ongoing monthly thing!

  • July 2013 Jokes

    Add List item
    • 1 +15

      An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint...

      The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like. “Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'” The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98. The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier. A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.” The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.” The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat. A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, “I really would be honored to buy you another meal.'” The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating. “I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman. “Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 2 +13

      Two rednecks are having a beer together...

      One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 3 +13

      A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw...

      He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

      5y+ ago by canuck
    • 4 +8

      A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy...

      She then walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law, I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

      5y+ ago by Nelson
    • 5 +7

      A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation...

      The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 6 +7

      A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

      The bartender asks him, "Where did you get that thing?" Parrot says, "Africa."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 7 +7

      A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog...

      The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here." The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!" Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick. "Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

      5y+ ago by socialiguana
    • 8 +5

      A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants...

      The bartender says, "I can't help but notice that you have a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate replies, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

      5y+ ago by SheNerd
    • 9 +4

      A rope walked into a bar...

      The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 10 +3

      A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari...

      He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions." The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. "Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm." "Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 11 +3

      An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide...

      She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked. The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple. The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

      5y+ ago by wetwilly87
    • 12 +3

      A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

      This means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

      5y+ ago by canuck
    • 13 +3

      A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

      A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice. "Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says. He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again. “Hey mister! Sweet shoes!” Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more. “Hey mister! Cool shirt!” He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over. “Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?” “Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

      5y+ ago by TNY
    • 14 +3

      A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder...

      They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks: "But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?" and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

      5y+ ago by 99bottles
    • 15 +3

      Cough Medicine

      A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things". Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort. He continues into the store and asks his assistant, "what's with the guy outside?" to which the assistant says "he came in with a bad cold. I couldn't find the cough medicine, so I gave him some laxatives." "Laxatives??!!" exclaims the pharmacist, "that's not gonna do anything for his cold!" "Sure it will," replies the assistant "Look, he's afraid to cough!"

      5y+ ago by sauce
    • 16 +3

      "Very little scares me," said my new girlfriend.

      "Very little scares me," said my new girlfriend. "Great," I thought to myself, "She's going to be terrified when she sees my cock."

      5y+ ago by thebizyo
    • 17 +3

      A blonde goes into a laundry mat...

      She asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

      5y+ ago by distant
    • 18 +3

      A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner.

      A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

      5y+ ago by TNY
    • 19 +3

      A guy is sitting in a diner eating a sandwich..

      A motorcycle gang parks and enters the diner. The leader of the gang sees the solitary man and decides to harass him. First, he knocks the man's hat off. The man picks it up without a word and keeps eating. Then the leader picks up the man's sandwich, rubs it on the floor, and then spits in the poor guy's soup. The man gets up, drops a tip on the table, hands the waitress money, and leaves. The gang just laughs hysterically at the wimp and how he wouldn't fight back. The leader announces, "That man is a poor excuse for a man!". The cook says, "Yeah, pretty poor excuse for a truck driver too. He just ran over 12 motorcycles!".

      5y+ ago by weekendhobo
    • 20 +2

      A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...

      The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 21 +2

      A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday...

      Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go. The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods. The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him. Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state. Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him. So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?" "Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..." "THAT'S SICK!" "I told you..."

      5y+ ago by geoleo
    • 22 +2

      A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved..

      "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!

      5y+ ago by weekendhobo
    • 23 +2

      A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth.

      A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news. "Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

      "What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!" "Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor. Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?" "Danephew."

      5y+ ago by kobeef
    • 24 +2

      An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench.

      An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench. A young man passing by decides to help. "What's wrong?" said the young man. "Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man. "I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man. "Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild sex. Then she leaves for work" the old man said. "That's not bad" the young man said. "Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a blow job. After we eat, we have more wild sex." the old man said. "If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said. "The problem is I forgot where I live!"

      5y+ ago by sauce
    • 25 0

      How do you explain every joke ever?

      4y+ ago by nowsourcing
 

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  • Nelson
    +8

    Guess I'll give this a try!

    • wetwilly87
      +4

      Same... cool idea for a snap

      • canuck
        +4

        Just jumped on the wagon... come on guys let's keep this thing well oiled.

  • TNY
    +4

    These are great! I don't understand the marriage permission one though. What's so funny about it?

    • dynamite
      +5

      He asked for his daughter's hand, because his own hands got tired (jerking off).

      • TNY
        +3

        Gotcha

      • drunkenninja
        +2

        TNY is a lucky bastard, he probably never had to jerk off because he always had a girlfriend :)

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