Please keep it clean and friendly. NSFW jokes allowed as it's just text, but please label it in the title. Please follow the same structure as the rest of them, and don't worry if it's not your original joke, post it anyways. Up vote jokes that make you laugh or smile, but don't down vote jokes that don't as you can lower someone's reputation because of it. Have a good time, and enjoy yourselves!
Rewind: July 2013 Jokes Snap
Back-to-school September 2013 JokesAdd List item
1 +175y+ ago by canuck
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus...
...when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
2 +145y+ ago by geoleo
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day...
All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
3 +105y+ ago by geoleo
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day...
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
4 +95y+ ago by geoleo
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class...
and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A." A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"
5 +85y+ ago by kong88
A man walks in...
the TKZS (a state-run commie collective farm) bosses office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks." The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" "Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm." They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?" "She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20." The boss looks a bit worried now and says "Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty." They get there, the sow says "Oink!" and boss waits for our guy's answer. "Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4." TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says "Welcome aboard, let’s go sign the papers." They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes "Meeh!" The boss says "Don’t listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk."
6 +85y+ ago by canuck
Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
7 +75y+ ago by Splitfish
The preschool teacher says...
"We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!" The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence? Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue." "That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white." Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too." Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?" Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shit my pants."
8 +75y+ ago by socialiguana
A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
A professor explained about marketing to MBA students. 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing. 2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising. 3. The same girl at the party walks to you and says, you're rich, do you want to marry me? That's brand recognition. 4. You say I'm rich, marry me and she introduces you to her husband. That's the demand and supply gap. 5. Before you say I'm rich, marry me, your wife arrives. That's restriction from entering a new market.
9 +55y+ ago by geoleo
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young students...
"Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a quiet male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."
10 +45y+ ago by hxxp
Why are female schoolteachers always so angry?
Because they have 6 periods a day!
11 +25y+ ago by geoleo
Mom goes to son's room to wake him up...
"Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!" she says. Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!" Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!" Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." "Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the principal!"
12 +25y+ ago by weekendhobo
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day...
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
13 +25y+ ago by chosenbro
Gurl you must be the sine of pi/2
. . .because I think that you are the one :)
14 +25y+ ago by macavoy
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning...
...and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tragedy?" "That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it. Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were climbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tragedy." "No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tragedy is?" A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tragedy." "No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess." An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tragedy." "Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."