Having a meltdown
Having a Meltdown (one adult sentence whited out)
Sorry this is so long, but I have got to get this out or I'm just not going to be able to handle it anymore. My support system got smaller after my wedding (I had a fallout with my sister about her abusive boyfriend). My husband works on an island and both of our phones pretty much get NO signal out there, and my best friend is at work. I need help.
I am one year into my PhD program. My adviser was certain and excited about the project we are working on and knew we could get funding. He told me there was one company prepared to pay for my move to work with an expert for 6 months. We waited and waited to hear their final determination. I had JUST gotten engaged in February and we were planning an October wedding. Due to this turn of events, the wedding was moved to June so lots of people didn't have enough notice (a little over a month). We had people come from all over the country He had a best man and his other groomsman (a female) was his best friend for 7 years (who freaking tried to sleep with us/him before our wedding!!!).
Before the wedding my back had begun hurting again. I was stupid and didn't go to my chiropractor until after the wedding. For a month, I woke up every day and cried. I didn't bother after the first 3 days of narcotics as they were not curbing the pain enough to warrant taking narcotics. I had x-rays and apparently I have developed scoliosis. My job this summer is to write. My adviser found money at the university for me to be a summer grant writer and work on the first part of my dissertation proposal. If there is a time for me not to be able to pick up more than 10 lbs. it is now.
My car was totalled in a flood we had 2 weeks before the wedding and I had to find money in my budget for a new car. This made a research trip to Belize that I was given grant money to partially cover impossible. I can't afford it now that I have a car payment again. My husband graduated in May and is working already (which is really good because he is a distraction when he is here). The problem is, I get up with him around 6:00am
and couldn't care less about getting out of bed. I have a dog, so I do eventually, then I usually go back to bed. I do nothing ALL DAY. Eventually, I may work a few hours, but I have written so many grants for my research now, it is basically just cut and paste. I can't even do more than the introduction for my research because we have not gotten funds so cannot solidify methods. I have read like 3 papers all summer. I should have been through 100 or so by now.
I have no forward momentum. I'm sitting in limbo. I am in my mid-thirties and want to have a baby with my husband. I can't even begin to THINK about that right now. He is working all day, my house is trashed, I care, but I don't care enough to do anything about it. I don't even shower every day anymore. I have only been married a month and am SO afraid he is going to think I changed right after marriage. He has seen my depression before, but this one seems more insidious for some reason.
I tried to keep this a more linear and organized rant. Doesn't look it worked so well. Sorry.
Thanks for listening.