For me, there is a certain kind of regret that is the absolute worst thing, the worst state of being in the world. Nothing can compare. It is the feeling that you could've had more time with a person before they passed away. It's a feeling that haunts you, can come out of nowhere and it will stick, tinting your vision for some indefinite period of time.
In my case, I was twenty and self-absorbed. I had failed miserably at a summer internship and was about to drop out from school. My grandfather - a kind, intelligent, and immensely patient man who had supported me in every endeavour - wanted to see me since I'd returned from my internship. I said, "maybe next week" or something like that. I just didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to see him because I was so ashamed; he believed there was no greater thing in the world than education. On August 23, 2010, he sent me this message:
"you know I want to see you, but I am not the priority for a visit, so when you can , e mail me or Phone. My immediate reason for contacting you is to ask you to drive carefully on the way home, particularly do not try to drive when you are tired. I see Dad every two or three weeks, between his flights to all those central American states famous for their gunfighters. He seems to be in good shape and has not seen any gunmen up close. So , take care, and I will see you when you have time. With love, Granddad."
I did not answer that email.
On August 27, 2010, he sent me this message by email:
"Hi, I was so pleased to see you on Thursday, safe and sound having completed a major travel adventure. As soon as you have got your breath back you must move on to the next steps. One of them must be to visit with your Mom and your stepfather and give them an account of your trip to Ontario. I am lower in your list of priorities, but it would give me great pleasuree to have you spend some relaxed time with me. I looked at my calendar which said Labour Day ia on Sept. 6th. Term starts the day after. This gives you 9 days to prepare yourself for next term, So! please dedicate one afternoon to visiting me, and let me knowwhich afternoon it will be so that I may be at home and prepared. If you are wise you know that grandparents are an asset for you for a variety of reasons, and you shoud use the assets while they are available, they wont always be here. Love, as always, Grand dad"
I didn't answer that email either.
On September 1, 2010, he sent me this email:
"Hi, Please let me know when you will bevisiting me .Soon you will be into the new accaademic year and your life will be hectic again, so now, within the next two days is your oportunity. Love, Granddad"
I did not answer that email either. He died all alone in his tiny, grubby little apartment the next day of a massive stroke, an otherwise healthy man
There is no worse feeling in the world. It's been over five years and I still wish I could back in time and change what I did. I now do everything in my power to prevent this kind of regret from ever happening again. I've lost other people, I've experienced excruciating and long-lasting physical pain, and I've made other horrific mistakes, and none of them compare to regret.
Sorry - I can delete it if it's weird! The whole experience was the first thing that came to mind when I thought "worst thing in the world" but that's probably a weird thing to share.
For me, there is a certain kind of regret that is the absolute worst thing, the worst state of being in the world. Nothing can compare. It is the feeling that you could've had more time with a person before they passed away. It's a feeling that haunts you, can come out of nowhere and it will stick, tinting your vision for some indefinite period of time.
In my case, I was twenty and self-absorbed. I had failed miserably at a summer internship and was about to drop out from school. My grandfather - a kind, intelligent, and immensely patient man who had supported me in every endeavour - wanted to see me since I'd returned from my internship. I said, "maybe next week" or something like that. I just didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to see him because I was so ashamed; he believed there was no greater thing in the world than education. On August 23, 2010, he sent me this message:
"you know I want to see you, but I am not the priority for a visit, so when you can , e mail me or Phone. My immediate reason for contacting you is to ask you to drive carefully on the way home, particularly do not try to drive when you are tired. I see Dad every two or three weeks, between his flights to all those central American states famous for their gunfighters. He seems to be in good shape and has not seen any gunmen up close. So , take care, and I will see you when you have time. With love, Granddad."
I did not answer that email.
On August 27, 2010, he sent me this message by email:
"Hi, I was so pleased to see you on Thursday, safe and sound having completed a major travel adventure. As soon as you have got your breath back you must move on to the next steps. One of them must be to visit with your Mom and your stepfather and give them an account of your trip to Ontario. I am lower in your list of priorities, but it would give me great pleasuree to have you spend some relaxed time with me. I looked at my calendar which said Labour Day ia on Sept. 6th. Term starts the day after. This gives you 9 days to prepare yourself for next term, So! please dedicate one afternoon to visiting me, and let me knowwhich afternoon it will be so that I may be at home and prepared. If you are wise you know that grandparents are an asset for you for a variety of reasons, and you shoud use the assets while they are available, they wont always be here. Love, as always, Grand dad"
I didn't answer that email either.
On September 1, 2010, he sent me this email:
"Hi, Please let me know when you will bevisiting me .Soon you will be into the new accaademic year and your life will be hectic again, so now, within the next two days is your oportunity. Love, Granddad"
I did not answer that email either. He died all alone in his tiny, grubby little apartment the next day of a massive stroke, an otherwise healthy man
There is no worse feeling in the world. It's been over five years and I still wish I could back in time and change what I did. I now do everything in my power to prevent this kind of regret from ever happening again. I've lost other people, I've experienced excruciating and long-lasting physical pain, and I've made other horrific mistakes, and none of them compare to regret.
Wow man, that sucks, I personally can't remember my grandfather very well, he died when I was 3.
Also, you weren't lying about the whole story thing!
Sorry - I can delete it if it's weird! The whole experience was the first thing that came to mind when I thought "worst thing in the world" but that's probably a weird thing to share.
It is a lesson all of us can learn from. Well written and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing,
No, thats fine, keep it up - it must be hard for you, and I can understand how thats the worst thing in the world for you.