similarly i don't think many emotional manipulators really realise what they are doing. My ex was emotionally abusive, attempted gaslighting and other stuff and I thought he was just really super clingy and needy. It wasn't till i got out the relationship and finding all these relationship behaviours i had were not at all normal that i realised something was up and it wasn't until i started reading stories from other manipulated men and women that i found a hell of a lot of parallels.

At the same time I don't think he really knew how much damage his pattern of behaviour was doing either. He was variously needy/clingy/afraid of not being loved or something that he resorted to whatever worked and stumbled upon these methods (at least i hope it wasn't calculated). I Hope that had he known how to have a healthy relationship and what that looked like he wouldn't have fallen into these lazy methods of getting his way.

He was one of those whiney self proclaimed "nice guy"s and I wish I had known that means run a mile and then run a couple hundred more.