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+1 +1
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs
ARNOLDS PARK, IA—Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs.
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+2 +1
Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.
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+2 +1
Creationist Museum Acquires 5,000-Year-Old T. Rex Skeleton
TULSA, OK—In a major coup for the growing field of creation science, the perfectly preserved remains of a 5,000-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex were delivered Monday to Tulsa's Creationist Museum of Natural History.
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+20 +1
Bernie Sanders’ Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact
Separating fact from fiction in voters’ beliefs about Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders
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+8 +1
The best thing about 'Batman v Superman' is the casts' reaction to the terrible reviews
The reviews are in. Looks like the movie is awful. Lets see how Ben Affleck feels about that: .... The Onion have also reviewed this awful movie. It's very good: ....
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+34 +1
Snopes.com had to debunk a story from The Onion because people on the Internet are amazingly stupid
Kazakh pilots safely landed a passenger plane without the use of its front wheels after a malfunction in the aircraft’s front landing gear on Sunday. Video of the miraculous landing immediately emerged online. The incident took place when the Fokker 100 aircraft operated by Kazakh airline ‘Bek Air’, which had departed from Kyzylorda, was landing at Astana International Airport on Sunday morning.
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+16 +1
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man.
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+9 +1
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.
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+11 +1
Donald Trump
The Trump Documents - The documents below are part of a trove of classified files provided to The Onion by an anonymous whistleblower in the White House.
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+11 +1
Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart
From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored with 24-year-old shitty street artist Adam Zane, the love-struck Tisselo told reporters Thursday.
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+24 +1
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
THE HEAVENS—Charging the supreme being with felony reckless endangerment, heavenly authorities placed the Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, under arrest Monday for leaving His children trapped in an overheating planet. “While it’s possible for even the most attentive deity to momentarily forget how quickly a planet’s temperature can rise, that’s no excuse for such horrifying negligence,” said the archangel Selaphiel, noting that...
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+31 +1
Bitcoin On Path To Functioning Just Like Real Currency
After Small Concentration Of People Acquire Majority Of It
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+13 +1
Missing Teen’s Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
The Onion
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+21 +1
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
In the hours following a violent rampage in Florida in which a lone attacker killed 17 individuals and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Indiana resident Harold Turner...
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+15 +1
Onion Inc. has unionized
We’ve decided to form a union here at Onion Inc., home of The A.V. Club and our sister sites The Onion and ClickHole. First, all of The A.V. Club staff, along with an overwhelming majority of Onion Inc. staff, signed cards signaling our desire to unionize. Then we made it official on Monday when we requested formal recognition from our management. The new union comprises all of the creative staffs at Onion Inc.: The A.V. Club, The Onion, ClickHole, The Takeout, Onion Labs, and Onion Inc.’s video and art departments.
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+14 +1
MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots
NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots. “Despite being a long accepted practice among team owners, the MLB executive board has determined that it is unethical and dangerous to perform the invasive act of removing a mascot’s genitals,” said Manfred, responding to public outcry over what many consider to be a cruel surgery, which teams claim makes mascots docile, easy to train, and prevents them from attacking fans.
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+15 +1
George R.R. Martin Promises Fans ‘The Winds Of Winter’ Is Nearly Started
Stoking readers’ anticipation about the long-awaited Game Of Thrones sequel, best-selling author George R.R. Martin promised fans Thursday that his upcoming novel The Winds Of Winter was nearly started. “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m sitting at my desk with a nice cup of tea, I’ve got a Word document open, and I’m just about ready to go,” Martin wrote in a blog post on his website, assuring readers that as soon as he cleared off his desk and threw a load of laundry into the dryer, he could pretty much begin.
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The Onion’s Brutal Israel Commentary Goes Beyond Satire
The country's leading humor publication has taken a stance on the Israel-Palestine conflict in a way that most "real" newspapers haven't.
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+2 +1
Jeff Bezos Announces Customers Can Delete All Of Alexa’s Stored Audio By Rappelling Into Amazon HQ, Navigating Laser Field, Uploading Nanovirus To Servers
Responding to news of the digital assistant recording users’ conversations without their knowledge, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured critics Tuesday that Alexa’s stored audio can be deleted by simply rappelling into company headquarters, maneuvering through an intricate laser field, and destroying every server with a nanovirus. “We take privacy concerns seriously, and I want our valued customers to know they can erase all the information their Amazon Echo has gathered just by...
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+29 +1
No Joke: The Onion Faces Layoffs by Univision, Report Says
Univision reportedly plans big cuts at The Onion, Clickhole, A.V. Club, and the Takeout.
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