Word play

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.

Archaeology is really a career in ruins

A friend claims his dog can retrieve a stick from 5 miles away. Sounds a bit farfetched to me.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

The rotation of the earth really makes my day

I thought about going on an all almond diet – but that’s just nuts.