Yet when we get here, it's awful? Even after crawling through the depression and anxiety to look for jobs again... and landing one... still feels awful. Have to walk to work because I can't afford a car (nor have a driver's license), feet constantly hurt, got hired into a department that's a total wreck that people have been quitting out of left and right because of the asshat of a manager it has, getting paid minimum wage despite basically being expected to be a kitchen manager (complete responsibility of a kitchen and buffet bar including what food is even prepared for the buffet, as well as taking and putting together catering orders)... then my mother's failing health, medical bills that are absolutely absurd ($700 for an x-ray? Seriously? Something that takes 10mins and uses like 3 pieces of film? Or $1100 for an ultrasound? That took 40mins and only expended that little smear cream?)...

I'm trying not to be a disaster. I'm trying not to be the undateable, depressed, awkward failure that's slowly losing hope on any ambitions or dreams he's ever had. I just... I don't know. I don't know how to juggle all this. I honestly don't know if life ever improves. Been a pretty steady decline proportionate to my age. I'm tired, depressed, stressed out, feel like I have no time, no money, generally too stressed/tired to actually do things after work... and all I hear from friends and family is "Oh, congrats on getting a job!" like they're waving a giant "WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD" sign. Then tack on the constant surprise from coworkers... "Oh, you're not going to college?" "Oh, you don't have a car?" "Oh, you're 27?"...

While one of my closest friends works for a military contractor... browses the internet at work all day, goes in when he wants, leaves when he wants, wears whatever he wants, and basically doesn't have a boss. And makes more money than both of my parents combined. Some people just get to be the winners in life, I guess... while others get tasked with being the losers.

I seriously regret ever wishing to be older as a kid. I thought, "Hey, I'll be better at things, I won't have to be around my screaming father anymore, and I'll get to do cool stuff!". And yet, I'm over ten years behind everyone else. There are 16yos with their lives together more than mine.

Time to shower and walk to work... again, to be yelled at for not being able to make a cold case physically larger than it is...or a freezer have more storage than it does...or for breaking a health regulation that literally doesn't exist. Apparently I was born with a "likes to be screamed at" sign stuck on me somewhere that I can't see... but my father and everyone else sees just fine.